Rewind to 4 weeks ago.
We had just watched our friends get married and were now waiting in the reception area for our names to be called to dinner; simple chit chatting with people we weren’t too familiar with.
“So, what do you do?” My husband asks.
“Oh, I work as an engineer for building high end construction,” he replies. “And you guys?”
“I work as a project manager for building custom high end homes,” my husband said, then looked over at me.
Embarrassed and almost feeling unworthy, I stumble over my words and say, “I just stay at home with our son.”
Fast forward to today.
I’m sitting at my (well, my husband’s) Grandma’s table, eating some spaghetti she warmed up, as Andrew is on the floor playing with his daddy’s old micro-machines. “I thought of you when I read this,” she says as she hands me a clipping from a newspaper article.
As a summary, in the clipping, the article was insisting that we strive to make a difference in the world and we always give ourselves a hard time– as if we aren’t doing enough. It went on to suggest that even though our world may be small, we make a difference in our small world, and when our small world opens up to the bigger world, those people make a difference. So, in reality, we’ve really made quite a big difference.
Grandma looked at me and said, “You are doing the most important job in the whole world because Andrew will grow up and be a good person. You are also helping and making a difference in so many lives, even if you don’t realize it.”
She knows my struggle.
I often struggle with the whole, I am “just” a Mom, thing. I often feel like I am not doing enough, that I’m not making a big enough difference in the world like the others who have more “freedom” than I do.
As I reflect on those couple moments a few weeks back where I was almost ashamed to say that I “just” stayed at home with my son, I feel even more ashamed to have even felt that way in the first place.
Because the reality is this–
I am making a difference. I am raising my son to grow up, not as a mindless person walking this earth, but someone who is mindful. Mindful about the choices he will make. Mindful about the food he will eat. Mindful about the earth around him.
I need to stop being so hard on myself and realize that, although I may not have a college degree or a fancy job, what I am doing is bigger than anything in the world.
You know, I have always wanted to be a part of something bigger than myself. I am constantly searching for ways to satisfy this yearning of mine. Silly me, I simply just need to look at what is in front of me, you know, that little — but quickly growing — person who looks to me for everything, and at that point, I will find the answer…
I have always wanted something to challenge myself. Well, being a Mom is, by far, the hardest job I think I have ever — and will ever — experience. It has challenged me in ways I did not even know possible. It has knocked me down, lifted me up, taken me on a roller coaster ride that never ends and enabled me to do and endure things I did not know were possible.
This is not to say that being aware of this makes the task any easier. There are times where I feel like I need to accomplish things for myself to satisfy the yearning of making a difference; something that I can say I did simply for myself, to better myself. I need to put more focus in getting the quality ME time that I deserve so I can feel like I have done something for my own soul and not feel so hard on myself. However, the one thing that being aware does do is bring me back to my “roots.” It grounds me, reminds me that I do have purpose when I’m feeling low and enables me to take a deep breath and enjoy the very minimal time I have with my son in his younger years.
Although this is a reflection of how I feel, it is also a little reminder to all you “just” Mom’s out there who may feel you are not doing enough in this world.
Give yourself more credit than you do, girl.
YOU are creating a wonderfully earth-conscious being and that right there, is the most important and biggest thing to be a part of.