I used to have many demons in my mind. They controlled my life, my emotions, my every being.
As a child, life was pretty normal for me. Once I became a teenager, that is when everything came crashing down. My stepfather (32 years old at the time) died of brain cancer the summer going into 8th grade. The year before his death was one of the most miserable times I’ve ever dealt with.
My brain sorta erased most of my memories during this horrifying year, but if I could sum it up in a few words it would be: hate, anger, sadness, yelling, resentment, loneliness, unforgiving, and terrifying.
After his death, things did not turn around. My high school years are also mostly a blur to me as I have forced my brain to wipe most of my memories and recollections of things that went down. It seemed like all the negative feelings I felt were amplified though. The only person that I had in my life was my mom and she was supposed to be my rock but she was far from that. I hardly remember her being around because she really wasn’t — physically and emotionally.
The few vivid memories I remember are of being scared, alone, and cold in my mom’s empty 7 bedroom house. The house that used to be filled with love, happiness, family was now filled with distant memories, unnerving spirits, and coldness.
I was alone and all that I had were my thoughts.
Why me? Why did Farid die? Why is my mom not here? Why am I fending for myself? Why is my sister no longer with me? What did I do to deserve this? How come my biological father is not more of a father to me? Why does my mom let her boyfriend hit her? Why does it seem like she picks him over me? Why am I so different than the people I go to school with? Why?
With no one to truly open up to, I dwelled in my thoughts. My thoughts consumed me, and the more I let my thoughts consume me, the more control they had. Those demons.
Every year around the same time, I’d go through incredibly low, scary periods. I believed because the women on my mom’s side suffered from chronic depression, that I was a prisoner to those demons in my head, as well. My junior year was the worst for me and although my senior year was bad too, it wasn’t nearly as bad as the previous. It’s safe to say that my “rock bottom” was my junior year.
However, through the painful lows, there was a light in me. The real Loriel in me knew that this was not the way life was supposed to be and I held onto that. I’m not sure what my driving force was but it kept me alive through those really hard years. I had no idea how I was going to achieve the mental peace I knew I was supposed to have, other than I just knew.
Turns out, I didn’t have to be a prisoner to those demons and that I could heal myself. It took eight long, incredibly difficult years to rid the demons from my mind but now at 24 years old, I feel confident in saying that the demons no longer control me. I didn’t go to counseling and I never took anti-depressants. I hold two things accountable for this: the power of positive thought and real food.
I was first introduced to the power of positive thought through a relationship I was in. I was given a book called The Secret and I was immediately consumed. “You’re telling me that I have control over my mind, and when I radiate positive thoughts, it’s easier to eliminate the bad and attract good things to my life?” I told myself after I read the book. I was hooked.
For the first time in a very long time, the fog started to clear. After I finished reading The Secret, I continued my search for self-growth and self-help books and read the following: The Four Agreements, Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff for Women, Maximum Achievement, Flight Plan.
Positive thinking was certainly not easy. I struggled every day and experienced many highs and lows. It’s incredibly hard to retrain your brain when it is so used to thinking of angry, sad, and lonesome thoughts. But, I was on a mission to break the cycle of being a prisoner to chronic depression.
That relationship ended, and eventually a new one began. And then I got pregnant and married. I slipped back into my depression the few months after I had Andrew but then real food entered my life because of Andrew.
I began to research and ask questions, and research some more. Although all the things I was reading about angered me, it gave my mind something to do and I began to feel better with each small success I had in sourcing good food or making something from scratch. I finally felt like I had purpose in my life.
When I began to eliminate things like really-bad-for-you processed foods, industrialized oils, and GMOs and became more conscious of my food choices, I truly believe that was the icing on my cake. And you know I love cake. My body felt better, I was able to concentrate on things much easier, and my mind felt better knowing that I was putting good food in my belly and the bellies of my loved ones.
I think positive thinking accounted for the biggest part in my healing but I feel like real food really made it easier. My mind became clear, I allowed myself to love unconditionally, and as each day passed, the demons started floating away and never came back.
Changing to real food was a slow and gradual process, just like my positive thinking journey. I think these journeys are slow for a reason: to give you time to grow with them. If you’re in this journey yourself, keep your head up high and believe in yourself that one day you will be healed.
It’s been almost four years since I last let the demons take control of me and I have no intentions of letting that happen ever again!
Have you ever healed yourself from positive thinking and/or real food? I’d love to hear your story below!